By Teddy Gutkin
Point Guard: Calvin Cambridge (Lil’ Bow Wow, Like Mike)
I mean, come on! He’s a ten-year-old kid with the talent of Michael Jordan in his prime. With a great shot, spectacular passing ability, and the ability to dunk despite being shorter than Isaiah Thomas, Calvin would no doubt make the 2018 All-Star Game one of the most exciting in recent memory.
Shooting Guard: Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen, He Got Game)
Considering he’s played by Ray Allen, the best three-point shooter in NBA history, Jesus Shuttlesworth is one of the best players on this team. Jesus is a stellar shooter, and his talent earned him a scholarship to Big State. He also beat his estranged father Jake, the man who also murdered his mother, in one of the most tense one-on-one basketball games in cinematic history. Jesus easily earns his spot here, and I would argue that he is the best player on the entire roster.
Small Forward: Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson, White Men Can’t Jump)
Hoyle made every white guy’s dream come true with his thunderous dunk against King and Duck in the finale of the classic basketball flick. He’s a cocky player who isn’t afraid to go against anyone, making him a perfect addition to the All-Star team. Harrelson, the actor who played Hoyle, also played veteran Ed Monix in the basketball comedy Semi-Pro. Which brings us to...
Power Forward: Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell, Semi-Pro)
Former ABA owner, star, coach, and halftime show performer Jackie Moon would bring loads of excitement to this team, and his ability to contribute in a multitude of roles makes him one of the most valuable additions to the squad.
Center: Neon Boudeaux (Shaquille O’Neal, Blue Chips)
Played by Shaquille O’Neal himself, Neon is a tough big man who is a defensive force and converts nearly every shot attempt he takes from inside five feet (seriously, I’m pretty sure the dude doesn’t miss a single shot the entire movie). He’ll help to provide the inside presence that this team desperately needs.
Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes, White Men Can’t Jump)
You can’t have Billy Hoyle and not include his partner-in-crime Sidney Deane. Deane is a great ball-handler, and his ability to throw perfect lob passes is sure to excite the crowd at Staples Center.
Troy Bolton (Zac Efron, High School Musical)
He can sing, dance, and flat out shoot the ball. The best player in East High history has a knack for hitting big shots, and his impressive career even earned him a chance to play college ball at Cal. Plus, he helped his school win a state championship while performing in his school’s musical at the same time. How many NBA players can say they’ve done that?
Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans, Celtic Pride)
Lewis Scott shot 50 times a game. In the NBA. Those are stats that even make LaMelo Ball blush. Scott is an excellent driver and a volume shooter, and I imagine that he will be a more willing passer when he has actual teammates to pass to. It should also be noted that he single-handedly helped the Jazz, yes, the JAZZ, to an NBA title at the end of the movie, overcoming a 3-1 deficit.
Lenny Feder (Adam Sandler, Grown Ups)
The main character of Adam Sandler’s only decent movie of the decade is one of the best shooters you’ll ever see. Feder hit the game-winning shot in his middle school basketball championship (for perspective, LeBron missed the game winning shot in his), and has a bank-shot so automatic that it makes Tim Duncan jealous.
Bugs Bunny (Space Jam)
Oh yeah, cartoons count for this team too. Bugs was instrumental in leading the Tune Squad in the greatest upset in sports history over the Monstars, and also helped jumpstart the legendary comeback by giving his team “Michael’s Secret Stuff.” That could come in handy if this team struggles in the first half.
Lola Bunny (Space Jam):
Arguably the best player on the Tune Squad not named Michael Jordan, Lola is a tenacious defender, great shooter, and willing passer. As long as no one calls her “Doll,” Lola should have a great game.
Bill Murray (Space Jam)
Bill Murray doesn’t play defense, and everyone knows that the All-Star game features virtually no defense, so this is a match made in heaven. He assisted on Jordan’s game-winning dunk, and after the game ended Jordan even said that he believed Murray could play in the NBA, which easily validates his inclusion on this roster.
Butch McCrae (Penny Hardaway, Blue Chips)
Played by Penny Hardaway, McCrae was a tremendous offensive talent who could bury threes and drive to the cup at will. =He and Neon Boudeaux combined to create one of the most fearsome 1-2 punches in the college game, and fans will surely be excited to see their reunion with both of them on the roster.
Aaron Connors (Bill Hader, Trainwreck):
He’s a sports surgeon, but he scored on LEBRON JAMES. Enough said.
Air Bud (Air Bud):
Air Bud is obviously the most talented dog to ever play the game of basketball. Can you imagine how many views the All-Star Game would get if a dog played in it? I know I’d watch it.
Brian Newell (Taylor Gray, Thunderstruck):
Playing with the talent of Kevin Durant, Newell is pretty much just a white knockoff of Calvin Cambridge. However, he’s still an entertaining player, given the fact that he’s literally KD, and he would no doubt be a welcome addition to a team that could use another kid with superhuman basketball skills.
Coach: Ken Carter (Samuel L. Jackson, Coach Carter)
No-brainer here. Carter gives some of the best pump-up speeches you’ll hear in your entire life, and he’s played by SAM FREAKING JACKSON. The dude has literally made a living off of yelling, so there’s no doubt that he’d crush it leading this team.