By Teddy Gutkin
For the last few years, Bleacher Report has aired a video in which they hand out NBA Oscars. However, these categories are never actually truly film-related, with “Best Actor” being given to the league’s best player, “Best Costume Design” being given to the team with the best uniforms, and finally “Best Picture” being given to the best team. I always though the exercise was a bit lazy and could be better, which is why I’ve decided to up the stakes this year and rewrite every Best Picture nominee to be about different teams and players from around the NBA.
And the nominees are…
Black Panther: Stephen Curry has finally won his first NBA Championship and has risen to the top of the NBA point guard ranks with two consecutive MVPs. However, his status as the Warriors’ top dog is put in jeopardy when Kevin Durant arrives and attempts to supplant Curry as the new king in the Bay Area.
Bohemian Rhapsody: This period piece tells the story of the Oklahoma City Thunder in the early 2010s. Despite their incredible talents, the film shows how ultimately the egos of Kevin Durant and James Harden cost the Thunder a chance to be a dynasty, robbing us of one of the greatest teams in NBA history far too early, just as the ego of Freddie Mercury helped to contribute to the premature split of Queen.
Roma: Despite the fact that some deem this film to be a bit boring, few can deny that the cinematography and direction from Alfonso Cuaron is sensational. Similarly, while some find their play style a bit boring, everyone agrees that the Spurs are one of the NBA’s model organizations. Coach Gregg Popovich consistently gets the most out of every player he coaches, and his offensive and defensive schemes have redefined the NBA and led to him winning numerous accolades, just as Roma has.
A Star is Born: A love story between a fading talent and an up-and-coming superstar, it’s only right that this film stars Dirk Nowitzki and Luka Doncic. As evidenced by their recent “Whisper Challenge” video, their chemistry is off the charts, though they’ll probably need vocal dubs for the songs.
Green Book: This period piece tells the story of Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant. Much like Green Book sees driver Tony Lip escort Don Shirley through the 1960s south as they embark on a historic concert tour, Kobe helps to lead Shaq through the stacked Western Conference as he assists him in capturing his elusive first championship ring.
Black KkKlansman: Black KkKlansman features a black police officer pretending to be a white officer over the phone to infiltrate the KKK. In this version, Bryan Colangelo undergoes a similar undercover mission when he creates seven burner accounts on Twitter to allow him to defend his own moves while bashing his players and previous GM Sam Hinkie.
Vice: In a tense political satire, LeBron James rises to power and quickly supplants Cavaliers head coach Tyronn Lue as the team’s de facto commander in chief. Whether it be orchestrating blockbuster deals, causing drama in the locker room, or flat out kicking Lue out of team huddles, James is truly diabolical, and the drama that each scene brings is incredible.
The Favourite: This film sees the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics try and woo the New Orleans Pelicans with their best offers to land superstar Anthony Davis. In a touching romantic comedy, Davis is truly masterful in how he portrays how badly his services are wanted, particularly in one scene where a hysterical LeBron James calls and says that he is willing to move his entire bench (and his two sons) to New Orleans for his services.
And the nominees are…
Black Panther: Stephen Curry has finally won his first NBA Championship and has risen to the top of the NBA point guard ranks with two consecutive MVPs. However, his status as the Warriors’ top dog is put in jeopardy when Kevin Durant arrives and attempts to supplant Curry as the new king in the Bay Area.
Bohemian Rhapsody: This period piece tells the story of the Oklahoma City Thunder in the early 2010s. Despite their incredible talents, the film shows how ultimately the egos of Kevin Durant and James Harden cost the Thunder a chance to be a dynasty, robbing us of one of the greatest teams in NBA history far too early, just as the ego of Freddie Mercury helped to contribute to the premature split of Queen.
Roma: Despite the fact that some deem this film to be a bit boring, few can deny that the cinematography and direction from Alfonso Cuaron is sensational. Similarly, while some find their play style a bit boring, everyone agrees that the Spurs are one of the NBA’s model organizations. Coach Gregg Popovich consistently gets the most out of every player he coaches, and his offensive and defensive schemes have redefined the NBA and led to him winning numerous accolades, just as Roma has.
A Star is Born: A love story between a fading talent and an up-and-coming superstar, it’s only right that this film stars Dirk Nowitzki and Luka Doncic. As evidenced by their recent “Whisper Challenge” video, their chemistry is off the charts, though they’ll probably need vocal dubs for the songs.
Green Book: This period piece tells the story of Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant. Much like Green Book sees driver Tony Lip escort Don Shirley through the 1960s south as they embark on a historic concert tour, Kobe helps to lead Shaq through the stacked Western Conference as he assists him in capturing his elusive first championship ring.
Black KkKlansman: Black KkKlansman features a black police officer pretending to be a white officer over the phone to infiltrate the KKK. In this version, Bryan Colangelo undergoes a similar undercover mission when he creates seven burner accounts on Twitter to allow him to defend his own moves while bashing his players and previous GM Sam Hinkie.
Vice: In a tense political satire, LeBron James rises to power and quickly supplants Cavaliers head coach Tyronn Lue as the team’s de facto commander in chief. Whether it be orchestrating blockbuster deals, causing drama in the locker room, or flat out kicking Lue out of team huddles, James is truly diabolical, and the drama that each scene brings is incredible.
The Favourite: This film sees the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics try and woo the New Orleans Pelicans with their best offers to land superstar Anthony Davis. In a touching romantic comedy, Davis is truly masterful in how he portrays how badly his services are wanted, particularly in one scene where a hysterical LeBron James calls and says that he is willing to move his entire bench (and his two sons) to New Orleans for his services.
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